Last night I had every intention of staying up to watch two shows that were airing on the Fox News Channel about the recent murder of Taylor Behl, the Virginia college student who was missing for a month, and a revealing news release about one of the Kalpoe brothers implicated in the Natalee Holloway case (I personally believe she was either raped and murdered, or abducted into a sexual slave ring in some foreign country. It HAS happened.) Apparently he had made some sort of confession that the Aruban authorities were not too happy with, and I was curious about what he had said. Unfortunately, I was so exhausted from the work week and prepping for today's real estate "open house" I completely passed out on our couch and didn't get to see it. All I recall now is some vague, one eye half opened conversation I had with Dream about some triumph he had with his online Bridge game (of which he has become quite the expert! Amazing! His mind is amazing) and I fell back to sleep...until I woke up at 2:00 a.m., ate some Vegetable chips (called Terra chips), drank some juice and headed back to the couch.

I've been up since 6:30 this morning - I am wide awake and bushy tailed, as my mother would say; I've already fed the cats and have the dishwasher going. I have some chores to do before we leave today at 12:00 noon to go to the Depot Theatre to help Dream finish building a set he has created for a friend's show. I have to change the cat litter for the people coming through and finish laundry, maybe do some vacuuming and stuff like that. Last time we had an open house all I did was cry the day before --I really don't want to sell the house, but with my knees I have to. But today, I am resigned...and full of piss and vinegar.

Anyway, even though I missed those shows I keep thinking about how insane everything is in this life. From the insanity of the recent hurricanes in Louisiana and Texas, recent earthquakes in Guatemala and Pakistan, the influx of illegal immigrants (most of whom are my neighbors, as an aside),  the weird weather here in NY, the war, the bird flu pandemic worries, etc. etc. I think life is CRAZY now.  Let's talk about the weather, first.  It has been dry as hell in NY until Friday when it started drizzling and became an overnight deluge through Sunday morning. I am worried our pool will burst. Over the summer, which was an exceptionally HOT and humid one, we didn't have all that much rain. An occasional thunderstorm yes, but not repeated deluges. It happened only once this summer --a MASSIVE deluge --in June, I believe, where it rained soooo much virtually all major roads and highways leading to Westchester where we live were closed due to MASSIVE flooding. It was so bad the authorities redirected traffic to the side roads (their only choice), which were also flooded (and by that I mean a foot of water, not an inch or two) and it took me 4 1/2 hours to get home.  The traffic was INSANE. You really couldn't move and it was basically "bumper to bumper" traffic; we inched along at a snail's pace. Cars were stalling out after cars went through yet another foot of water --mine almost did at least 5 times, or cars were abandoned by the sides of the road...and for me, I almost ran out of gas until miraculously one gas station appeared in the distance and I was able to get gas finally. Most of the stations were jammed. Global warming? Yes.      

There's the war, and the FEMA Katrina fiasco, the Bush administration, judicial  choices and decisions I think are redirecting us to a more Puritanical time, which is sad and scary; there's the bird flu pandemic concerns, and other health-related issues --all things I won't discuss here, but I do have my own opinions about them that I will keep to myself for the moment. Besides, it is far too early for me to pontificate about them now. There is the persistent threat of terrorism and the recent news alert that NYC is yet again a potential target for terrorism on its subways. I knew that "it" wasn't over after 911 happened 4 years ago.  Why would it be? Terrorist cells are everywhere and we are either blind or stupid to think it's over or that we can capture everyone. We can't. I just hope nothing will happen here. But don't even think I will ride a subway again. I hated them before 911 happened and I hate them even more NOW. I'll drive or walk to the city.  Okay, the walking part isn't true....my Baaaaaaaaaaddddddd.

But that is not why I write today.. I write because I think people are crazy now, and I wonder what is wrong. Think about it. There are so many nutcases, nutjobs, pedophiles, murderers, stalkers, kidnappers and the like roaming our streets, our cities and our countrysides today, and I wonder what the hell is wrong with these people! Where did their brain switch off and become crazy and sick? I know, I know..a lot of these things are "family of origin" issues, and it's sad. But it's filtering in from everywhere now...it's not just confined to large metropolitan areas anymore as it was when I grew up. It's everywhere; a Carribean island, in Idaho, or Iowa, or Virginia, or Missouri...California, and a thousand other places.

No one is safe anymore. Not young girls and boys, their mothers, fathers, or relatives..you have to worry about going to the grocery store now, and make sure no one is hiding underneath your car. You can't flash someone to turn on their headlights when coming from the opposite direction because it is viewed as a gang  threat. You can't drive calmly anymore because you are dealing with the constant threat of road rage. Give someone the finger on the road who has cut you off and you may be taking your life into your hands! People have died here as a result of that. I think of the missing or murdered girls and young women, and boys and men too, and wonder why? What happened? Why is it that in the richest country in the world none of us really is safe anymore?  You have to be on guard every second of the day  and if you aren't you are in big trouble.

Growing up in NYC taught me to be on guard and to develop a highly sensitive alert system of my surroundings and the people within it. I travelled the subways for years and people left me alone. I learned to adopt what I have called my "New York City Attitude" look...a look that said "Leave me alone, asshole." No one bothered me except for the occasional asshole who decided that humping my ass on a crowded train was the thing to do. One time I let a guy on a really crowded train (where you are packed like sardines and breathing in everyone's odor, which is gross) and he decided to hump me from behind. I remember I kicked him so hard in the shins he smacked me back and I did the same to him, screaming loudly that he was a total asshole! I have watched hoodlums pick a man's pocket for his wallet on the subway, and right in front of my eyes, and I was shocked. I wanted to say something but I was terrified that they knew I saw it in action and worried I'd become a target. I wanted no part of it as I knew I could not fight 5 big guys. To this day I regret that.

I have been out on NYC's streets late at night; driven home by cab drivers who were so crazy they scared me to death with their rants and raves, or their diatribes on gay people, immigrants, or whatever came to mind. Once I actually feared for my safety and got out of the cab sooner than I had to and walked the rest of the way home. It was 4 a.m. and a few people were on the streets then. Oddly enough I felt safer with them than that crazy cab driver.  I have met men in bars when out with friends and wound up wandering the streets of lower Manhattan with them, ALONE, but felt safe. I think about this one night when I did that years and years ago, when I was in my early 20's. I was sick as a dog when a girlfriend called and urged me to come out and hang out with a bunch of our friends in a funky bar in lower Manhattan. It wasn't the Village (i.e. Greenwich Village), but more of an industrial area so you have an image of it. It wasn't all that busy, but there were a smattering of bars around so in the evening hours it was populated. Anyway, I went, replete with my tissues and  cold medicine and had a grand time with my friends. I wound up dancing with this nice guy all night.  We had the BEST time as he was a fantastic dancer, and we really clicked. He was handsome too, and very respectful of me, which was a rarity then and rarer now! I had something of a crush on him, and he me, but we just laughed and talked. When my friends left I wound up staying with him and his buddy until the place closed. My friends were worried for me, but I sensed I was safe. The three of us wandered the streets of New York completely alone - not a soul was around - and neither one of them laid a hand on me, thankfully. They got me a cab, and though I never saw him again, he periodically stopped by my apartment and left me wonderful and silly notes that made me laugh.   Would I do this NOW? No way. No way.  I would be too scared.

In College, like in Virginia with the Taylor Behl case, there were the requisite "townies" that hung out on campus. The townies were the local guys who hung out with the students basically. They drank and partied with us, and on occasion the women would get involved with one of them.  I hung out with one of them and wound up having a brief fling with him. He was funny as hell, but nuttier than a fruitcake but I slept with him ANYWAY. What a moron I was! I didn't think about what I was doing then --that year was a very sad and bad year for me -- so I just did things without thinking. I regretted it then, I regret it now, but I was lucky, thank god. Would I do it today, if I were in college? No way. 

No one is safe anymore.

It scares me. All these things really scare me in some ways.  Our lives are no longer innocent, really. Kids are subjected to things they shouldn't be subjected to at all; adults are inured by the daily influx of life's problems and turn a blind eye to things they see, only to wake up when tragedy strikes. They cry. "I didn't think it would happen to me or my family!", but here's the thing... it does, and it does no matter what you do to prevent things from happening.  Now that is really sad and pathetic. And scary. You can NEVER LET DOWN YOUR GUARD. I don't. 

Dream and I have a system whereby I call him each day I get in to work.  I used to find it annoying because I grew up in the City and was pretty "streetwise". I could handle myself, and certainly didn't need him to mother me like that. Hell, I was all over NYC when I was in my teens and twenties. But now I appreciate his concern. Everything is so nuts now I appreciate the value he places on my safety, and likewise I do the same with him. We check in to make sure all is right in our world. When I get into my car for my daily 1 and 1/2 hour drive to the Bronx where I work and in a neighborhood that really is dangerous and sucks, I immediately lock my door.  I trust no one. I assume nothing. I don't stop to aid disabled drivers. I don't stop to give people change when they are collecting money for some cause. I keep going.  I hate the fact that I have to do this everyday. I hate the fact that I just can't go about my business and not worry about some thing or some one. But I do.  I wonder why the world is like this, and why it appears that things are so out of control in everything that surrounds us. I wonder why we have lost our innocense and if there ever will be a safe place to go in my lifetime or if the madness that seems to be going on everywhere will ever stop.

You know what? I doubt it. 

As they said on the TV show Hillstreet Blues (1980's cop show)

 BE CAREFUL OUT THERE.