Dinero...Boo...Boonie...Barf Man...Ass Man and now, Piss Man...once a joke but now a serious issue. Dinero, my 10 year old, beautiful grey and black tabby with the largest, saucer sized green eyes...Dinero, my sweet love...my dearest one, has lost his mind. The time has come for me to stop living in a world of denial and see the truth now,  rather than running and hiding from it as I have been all along. I have been pretending about it all really; I have known all along that something inside of him snapped, and that this cat, who once was sweet and loving, and so protective of me and his older feline sister Chili, is really seriously mentally ill...and I have to put him down..I will have to watch the injection course through his veins and then  watch my dear one quickly die and  move on to his next journey and be no more. The thought brings only tears and terrible feelings of guilt. I do not let go of things well. No, I never have. Never. And I won't ever.

You'll say, "Well, it's only a cat.." and yes, it is only a cat, but he is my cat, my favorite cat of all eight of them..the one who woke me up each and every day, the one who came running up the steps to my bedroom the first night we moved in to this house, jumped into my bed and curled into my arms, completely unafraid of the ceiling fan moving above the bed. Chili cowered downstairs, terrified of all the new smells and the movement of the fan, but Dinero? Nooo, he was okay. He knew he was home. He made himself right at home and declared this space as ours...or his, but then it didn't matter. Chili cowtowed to him, and I went along with his protective nature.

I got him 10 years ago to keep Chili company after I moved up here from Belle Harbor when I left Bruce. My college friend Wendy and I went to the local mall and on a whim we went into the local pet store to look at the animals. I hadn't intended on getting a cat that day, but I did soon after I met Dinero. The store clerk showed me two cats that day; one was Dinero and the other was his brother or sister, as they were similar in coloring. But Dinero was the liveliest and the friendliest of the two, and when the store clerk handed Dinero to me, he climbed up on my shoulder and clung to me. I realized I had been picked and not the other way around. We became fast friends and constant companions.

When I brought him home he was so sweet and friendly to Chili, but she hated him on sight. For a year she barely "spoke" to me, but Dinero ultimately won over her heart. They became great friends and were always together. Though Chili was not the type of cat to sleep with me regularly, Dinero did. Every night we curled up together in one big ball; he tucked his body around my arm, and I slept on him, sort of...he was like a pillow. As he grew larger, we had to modify our sleeping arrangements, but he was always beside me, and always woke me up each and every day. He still does.

He was a good cat and a clean one, as well. When I was slow in changing the litter he let me know it was not to his liking by leaving a dump next to the litter box. I would come to learn how fussy he was about that, and try to be more diligent in my efforts at changing the litter. He had a tendency of barfing a lot, so he was called Barf man...that moniker stayed until Dream came along and Dinero would beg him to rub the base of his tail, thus Ass Man. He was affectionate and sweet, always. Every night he meowed to me that it was time for bed and waited for me by the steps so we could go upstairs together.

When Muffin came, and then Checkers and Snowball, it was Dinero who accepted them readily. Chili hated them all and spent most of her time hissing and growling at them, as she still does now, 5 1/2 years later. They all know she is sort of a pill and a bitch and basically leave her alone. The only one she could deal with was Dinero, her old buddy. He was great with the new cats, especially Snowball who adored her big brother, and she followed him around all the time. Sometimes, they all were curled up together in one, big multicolored fur ball...all of them, except Chili of course.

Snowball got pregnant September 4th, 2001 right before 911. Checkers did the deed (and was promptly neutered after the kittens were born and he started sniffing around their mother for another romp in the hay), and on 11/04/01 three kittens were born on our bed. Dream presided over the birth while I was fast asleep. When Snowball had her kittens, Spaz, Snowball and Ginger, who are now 4 years old, Dinero was really curious about them, and accepted them, too, but the dynamics of the household changed completely when they arrived. At first, before the kittens, there were 5 cats who were unrelated to each other, and they worked pretty well together, even with Chili who was at the height of her bitchiness then. Now, at 14 she basically stays by herself, but there are problems...she is a target for the others at times, the younger ones, who are too stupid to realize she doesn't want to play their games. Anyway, once the kittens were born, we now had a real feline family, and Snowball, their mother, let no one near her babies except Muffin, who had assumed the role of Auntie to the "kids". Only she could discipline them. Only she could swat them. If Dinero or Chili did, it was war. And war arrived when the kittens grew up and matured.

I don't know when it started, this feline war of territory and power, but I started noticing that more fights were occuring with Dinero and Ginger, the youngest male (of three males) and the youngest kitten. He is huge; a beautiful orange and white fluff ball with the tiniest meow (unlike his sister Spaz, who is tiny in size but has a deep meow and growl), but he is an instigator. He pushes the envelope and sometimes will swat Dinero or maybe Chili, and while Chili will growl and hiss, she will run for the hills. But Dinero won't. He will go after him, and then, from the depths of the house, Checkers the father, Snowball the mother, and Ginger's sisters, Spaz and Shadow will miraculously appear from out of nowhere and rush Dinero. They encircle him, all watching him...none moving..except Snowball, who will strike at him with all of her maternal instincts. Dinero's hackles would rise, as did the hair on his back and tail, and he'd hiss and spit...and then slowly turn away..carefully moving away...he was livid.

This has gone on for years now...maybe 3, as soon as the kittens grew into adult size. They still were their Mommy's babies and as much as she would grow annoyed with them (including Ginger and Spaz as they would want to suckle her, especially Spaz), no one could hurt her kittens. No one. Especially Dinero. Muffin got away with the disciplinary actions in front of Snowball and Snowball just sat there, non plussed by it all. If it was Dinero? He'd be dead.

One day, maybe two-1/2 years ago, Dinero came into my office, climbed on my desk, and shot a huge urine spray right into my stereo speaker. I was shocked as he had never done that before. Never. I was angry, but figured it was an isolated incident, but it wasn't... in fact it got worse; he sprayed walls, suitcases, chairs, computers, stereo equipment, live  electrical outlets to the point we almost had two or three fires here, or the potential thereof,  everything..clothing, especially expensive clothing and ...I can't think of what else, but it is everywhere. We'd clean frantically before parties to get rid of the smell (which, ironically, was not that bad considering we have 8 cats)...Dream was getting increasingly more frustrated...Dinero ruined his computer by pissing on it so much the inside frame and motherboard has rusted. He sprayed my computer too, but I didn't know it...but it was as bad as Dream's. Dream said that we had to put him down and all I did was yell...this has gone on for a year now...this quandary.

I have taken him to the vet this year at least three times  - in the last few months - to see if anything was physically wrong with him. He is in perfect health. For the past three days he has been given Elavil, an antidepressant, and it completely spaces him out..he is no longer Dinero...just a shadow of himself. And yet, he is still pissing..even with the antianxiety drug...he is still pissing. Tonight, I caught him doing it again...on some outdoor furniture we have stored inside and on an old painting of mine stuffed against the wall. He was coherent enough then to do it. And then I realized it was over, and it has to be.

He changed somewhere along the line, my boy. He changed and grew meaner..he started attacking the other cats he never attacked before...Last Friday night he attacked Chili with such viciousness I was stunned. Other times it's Muffin, his feline girlfriend, or maybe Shadow...he has attempted to bite Dream, and even with me, when I am playing with him, he gets rough..wild...I wonder where my boy went..what happened to his mind.

And so here I am, distraught and crying, and smoking (after 5 days of not smoking) again...and I feel sick. Really sick. I can't do it..but I have to.. I have to...I have to say goodbye.

I don't know how. Or if I can.