Our society really doesn't prepare us for the realities of life; the conflicts with people; the drudgery of having a job rather than a career of choice; the realities of marriage; of life and death. We are a youth oriented culture; a culture that forces us to strive for our wishes and dreams, and yet doesn't prepare us emotionally to deal with failure when they don't come to fruition. We are taught to strive for the ultimate thing: a career, success, marriage, family, home ownership and yet we are not taught how to deal with the conflicts within those realms. No wonder everyone is stressed out. No wonder I am.

I was told once by a boss that "it" would get better. I know I mentioned this in another post of mine. But does "it" (life, our perceptions of ourselves and others, their perceptions of us, work etc) get better as you get older? Not really,although one's ability to cope with stuff does change and you learn cope with them, rather than obsessively worrying about them. But life gets more complicated  and things come up that none of us are prepared for really, but all you can do is ride their waves and end up on shore again in one piece, rather than drowning.

I am rambling, sorry.  I am drowning and trying to tread water.

I used to fight the waves of conflict, rather than just ride them. I used to vehemently react to things and comment about them, especially at work, and then I would bring them home with me, stuffed inside my brain and psyche and being until they erupted in some way or to some one. Now, I just leave things alone, but I still think about them and still question the actions of others. Sadly, I have become someone who is resigned to things and I just shrug my shoulders and go on, forced to follow the dictates of others even when I disagree with them.

I am not making sense. I just woke up. But let me try to explain. Most of my ponderings really have to do with work. People make things more complicated than they really are when they don't communicate their intentions. People make things more complicated than they need to be when they don't ask questions, or don't organize their work. People make things more complicated when they leave you out of the loop, or change horses in mid stream without telling you. People make things more complicated when they insert their expectations into the loop without dealing with politics and rank.

You see, I work with bosses who are like that. I work with a VP who makes grandiose statements without filling you in on her intentions, and she is not someone you can question because if you do you will still get a vague answer. Or, she will get annoyed with you, and dismiss you. I report to a Dean who changes all the work I do but never completes a task so that I can feel I have accomplished something. I do my job, but then I am told I am in two many meetings for two specific and important events on campus, yet they won't direct their objections to the committee chairs or their VPs and lecture me about it instead. They say they comment, but why are the committees still in place then?   I am not in charge of the committees. I am just a cog in the wheel. They both tell me that there is too much work to do in our division's area, but then they ignore me or give me stuff that technically isn't my job. And yet, when I do the tasks they have given me, they don't follow through or keep me in the loop. How am I supposed to do things or know what's going on if they don't tell me? Through osmosis? Psychic abilities? Intuition?

I have been working on creating an events management department now for the past three years and it still isn't finalized.  About two years ago I was really pissed off about this. Ok, make it a year ago, but now I just shrug my shoulders and go on with whatever I can accomplish without rising up in fury. My original intention for this was to resolve some of the problems my set up (custodians and laborers, and AV ) staff were having with regard to events on campus. The first issue was that there are too many events occurring at the same date and time and we didn't have enough equipment or staff to accommodate all of these requests. Or, the staff would diligently set events up only to find out that it was canceled, though none of us knew about it. Or people would change the set up at the last minute and expect the staff to jump and do it right away. Or paperwork was submitted at the last minute and I had to get them set up anyway. I was told then that I should say NO, but if I say no without having policies established to refer to (our existing policies are 25 years old and no longer work given the volume of events that go on), the requestors would run to the bosses and complain that I was not doing my job, or if I said no, my bosses would override me. Jesus, make up your mind!  I wanted to establish a charge back system with penalities implemented for cancelations, late paperwork, and other issues,  as well as charges for all the Overtime we expend from our budget. Our Personnel budgets are being depleted because the Academic departments are not being charged for OT and other services rendered. I was told that they would think about it, and 3 years later it still isn't finished or resolved. I wrote new policies and rules and they still aren't approved.

My Dean then decided that this department was going to be centralized, without fully understanding that I am not in charge of every event that is scheduled on campus. The President's office schedules things in their conference room, the Student Activities office plans their events and has a full staff planning, scheduling and organizing them. The Athletic Department schedules all games and activities in the gymnasium and its affiliated exercise and dance studios, as well as our field. I am not in the loop for these things, but now he expects me to be. I have over 1,000 items to deal with, and now he wants to add more without providing me with staff to assist in the process. Moreover, he and the VP have not made a presentation to the President or the other VPs or Chairs that this process will now be centralized and that I am to schedule things for them. Nor have they worked to hire additional employees for me to assist with the volume of these events; to plan them and schedule them accordingly. It is inferred that I am to miraculously handle these things when my plate is already overflowing. 

The latest issue now is that the Dean wants all requesting departments to come to me first to discuss their event plans, which means that I am then in an advisory role, ostensibly planning their events for them. Great idea, but how do I do this when there are really only two people in my department who have to do everything? And, finally, all the work I have done up till now regarding policies and procedures, rules etc, will have to be redone for the millionth time and I just have had it.

The upshot of this is that everyone has great dreams and plans, but no real concrete ideas about the true ramifications about this. I feel frustrated and my spirits are dampened because I know, with all of my heart and soul, that with the new work load dumped on me I will never be given a raise. That was told to me last summer by my Dean when I pressed him about the issue. I became resigned to that, but it hurts me deeply because I am so invested in the College, and our faculty, staff and students, and I try so hard to accomplish everything despite the issues I deal with everyday. I have literally hundreds of letters of thanks in my personnel file, and yet I am not entitled to a reward at all. The lazy fucks get the raises; the ass kissers get the raises. I am neither, but I get nothing.  Apparently, my bosses  are not really invested in me until they want to be or when they need their "go to" person to take care of things others can't.

This is depressing to me.