Last night I watched the movie "Sylvia", about the writer/poet Sylvia Plath who killed herself 40 years ago, when the going got to rough for her. I understood what she felt, honestly...when the going gets too tough to contend with and you are on the edge of despair. I have been in that place many times over the years, but I managed to muddle through it all and always landed on my feet and kept going. I wonder why some make the choice to die, and why others don't and keep pushing forward. 

Right now I feel trapped in life. This has nothing to do with Dream Dragon or our marriage, and everything to do with the every day work world and its mundanity, its repetitive cycles, and the fact that nothing really changes no matter how hard you try. Every day I have to control myself. Every day I have to control my impulses to really speak to what I feel rather than holding these thoughts inside. I edit myself each and every day. I put on a happy face and smile. They don't want to deal with the reality that they contribute to the bad morale there; that they make many of us feel like we can do nothing right, that our thoughts are wrong, etc. If there are standards to be set, then set them and fill us in on the process..include us, hear us. And believe in us. Wholeheartedly.  So what I am holding back? Here we go...

I want to tell my bosses that I am resigning as of that minute, and that I am leaving my responsibilities to them personally since they always seem to know what's better than I do, apparently. I don't because I need the job and I am the primary provider in my household, an agreement DD and I made 5 years ago. I won't EVER make DD or I feel unsafe.

I want to tell them that they don't know their staff, and that they need to stop treating adults as 12 year olds who don't have brains, don't behave well, can't make decisions and are not respected and honored for their individuality.I want to tell them that if they want us to be adults, then they need to do the same themselves.

I want to tell them that it is not their place to tell others who they should  be friends with; how we should behave or act with each other; how we should be a team and back each other up, even when they themselves don't subscribe to any of this. I want to tell them that when they gossip about staff in front of other staff they set the example that it is ok to do this, when it really isn't. I want to tell them that when they don't act responsibly and immediately to completed projects we have submitted to them they make us feel inept and ineffective. I want to say that they can't assign blame to us when they think we have not done our jobs because we are waiting for them to respond. I want them to take responsibility, too.

I want to tell them that if they want trust and respect, they need to be trustworthy and respectful themselves and not keep secrets or keep people out of the loop, especially if it pertains to their area. I don't give a rat's ass what other directors are doing, frankly, but when it comes to my stuff tell me..don't expect me to infer it from the air.

Sometimes I want to tell them  where to go basically, and to tell them exactly what I feel about their brand of management -- one that borders between two extremes: micromanagement to disinterest. I want to say that most of the problems we have is actually because of THEM and their lack of vision. But I don't. I keep my mouth shut.

We are told not to point fingers and blame others for things to go wrong, but why do they do this? Why do they imply this is so when it isn't in some cases? I don't blame my colleagues for what doesn't get done on their end unless I can prove this is so. I take responsibility for MY mistakes and don't get defensive when someone states this. I am an adult who is not afraid of failing periodically.

Sometimes I just want to walk out that door. You have no idea how often this comes up for me, especially when the idiocy at work becomes much too much for me to deal with on a daily basis. I am perpetually astonished by how uneducated and unaware the pedigreed individuals are when it comes to the work of their staff. They have no clue.

I want to tell them that they have virtually no sensitivity towards their staff and their individuality, and that they want to hold some of us back because we threaten their abilities, because we are more competent than they are.   

I say nothing. I hold it in because I need the money, quite truthfully. I am better at not letting it affect my relationship with DD because most of the time I just shrug my shoulders about all of this, and keep moving on as best I can. But I think about this stuff everyday. Each and every day I wonder...and wish...and think...and ponder...and yet I can't really say anything because of politics.

I have no dreams any more. None. There was a time when I could visualize my future in front of me, and I worked towards those end goals diligently. Now all I see is blankness, nothingness...no end in sight. I count the days and years before retirement, but I have no future plans...no real concept of what I will do when this is all over, and when I can legitimately leave and take my retirement monies. Once I retire I have NO intentions of ever working again, unless it is something I want to do. I want to be free - to be the free spirit I always have been before it is too late.

I used to cry about this stuff. I used to get so frustrated it ate me up inside and made me sick. Now, I just am resigned to it. Though I am not a drone because I take pride in my work and abilities, I no longer fight the system. I am a trained dog, one that is trained not to react based on instinct any longer, one who complies with the demands of senior people without any reaction...without fight...without confrontation. It is what it is. I won't allow them to make me into a drone,however; a person who has become so disappointed and disillusioned by the system that they do their job with not spirit and committement. No, I won't let this happen to me. I am too strong and stubborn inside, but I  I have been squashed by these people. I can feel their hands pressing on my head to push me into  submission. I used to push up and push back, or get defensive  - now I just go with it and try to separate this phenomenon from my real life, my husband and home.

I wonder how I do this every day without cracking up.

My dear Pina. I do so understand how you feel to a great extent and there seems no way out It must seem like an uphill journey with no summit Unfortunatley we are all hostages to money, that is our human need in this day and age.
You seem to be surrounded by negative energy which is draining you.Sage, Cedar, Sandalwood and Amber resin are known for their cleansing and healing properties and are often used for cleansing negative energy.Maybe you can look into the use of aromatherapy? Try wearing a clear quartz crystal around your neck or even place one on your desk you would be surprised at the results of using crystals.
Just for now.go check out my latest post.that should lift your spirits for a few moments.
I am sending good energy your way Pina